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No Love Lost

There is no love lost for what you did too me
There is no love lost for how you treated me

There is no love for you at all
You made me numb to bullshit
You made me numb to lies
You made this way

The man I said i love hahaha what is love?
A bunch of empty promises
a bunch of hopeless moments and then you return to your reality and I am left with mine.
A bunch of bullshit
A bunch of empty moments
Doesnt seem much like love.

I have no love lost for you if thats what you call it.
I am humbled by our time it has helped me to REALLY be me.
Because of that “love” I now know what I dont want to ever deal with again
There is no more love here for you
That love is lost been lost and will remain lost.
But hey you have your children I bet they love you.

Anyway…

You said you appreciate me anyway…
I have done all I can to be right for you anyway…

You lied to me anyway…
You still try to lie to me anyway…
You say you love me to death anyway…

I ask you questions.. You get upset anyway…
No matter what I do its not good enough anyway…
You hurt anyway…
I hurt everyday…

You had control anyway…
At least you thought you did anyway….
I will move on anyway…

Hurt people hurt people anyway…
I saw you anyway…
Do you see me anyway…

There is no more love here anyway…
Enjoy your life anyway…
This door has closed, No more tears to cry…
You snooze you lose anyway…

Dating Again

So being in a relationship for so long to becoming single when is the right time to start over and get back out there.

My oldest daughter and I had a very deep detailed conversation, and she told me that she thinks I should start dating.
The conversation was so deep that I had to think to myself how old is she lol. My baby is 8 years old and she expressed that she felt like it was time for me to get back out there and date.

She said she didn’t like me sitting in the house all the time. She expressed she missed her mommy that would go out with her friends and go and have fun from time to time.

This conversation made me feel great that she recognizes that her mom is a great woman and that I deserve someone who is going to love and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Her conversation brought me so much peace and allowed me to start really thinking about getting back out there and dating.
I have been sitting back for awhile since being in a very long-term relationship and not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings when I decide it is time to move forward, but now what is holding me back? In my eyes nothing. I am single and I can not be afraid to start opening my heart back up to someone who will SHOW me appreciation not just tell me.

This will be an interesting journey to get back out there but now that I have my daughters approval I am ready to start over

Push Past

Been awhile since I have had a moment to sit down and write. Got a lot on my mind decided today was the day I had to get it done.

Lately I have had this feelings that I can do so much better than what i am doing. I have decided to move forward in certain situations and they have not brought me the happiness I was expecting. So I let them go and actually felt satisfied once I made that decision.

I have learned over the past couple of months as i deal with my personal struggles that the hardest things that I have not wanted to do, once I did them have brought me the most satisfaction and happiness.

Doing the things that you put in the back of your mind are usually the things that need to be done the most.

Now that I am single and not committed to anyone or their feelings it feels really weird a good weird. I have decided that my life deserves sooooo much better than a bunch of lies, disguises, and wolf in sheep clothing. The decision to move forward and put myself first has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Nosey Co-Workers

Are your co-workers nosey??
I have a co-worker who is NOSEYYYYYY ASSSSSSS HECKKKKKKKKK

We work for two different people but she seems to ALWAYSSS want to be in my boss’s business.
Asking where he is at a certain time, wanting to know his every move at all times.

Today I walk in from lunch and I sit at my desk to enjoy my lunch and the phone rings and I look at the clock and ignore the phone. I am still on my lunch for 30 more minutes

Here comes this Nosey Heffa, staring at me and says “usually if you are sitting at your desk you can answer the phone” I said “I am on my lunch I will answer the phone after my lunch is over” She say, “well some clients will get upset that the calls are going unanswered” I said “Well that is why there is a voicemail to be utilized by the clients when I am on my lunch” She stares at me a little longer and walks away.

As my lunch comes to an end she then looks at me and says, “I noticed you have been a little distant in your work lately is everything ok. The lady next door her work has been slipping lately to, You young people need to separate your personal lives from your work lives.” I looked at her and smiled and I said “You sure are nosey as hell, I am doing quite well thank you for asking but stay out of everybody business in the office, do your job and stop worrying about our work that has nothing to do with you” She looked at me in shock by my reaction and said “Your right what-the-fuck-ever”

Now before I could even respond to her little comment the phone rang. I had to realize I am back to work

My Day in a nutshell

People underestimate how much single moms actually have to do.

Every morning my children are up at 5am they have to take their baths to get ready for school. In my house they usually have to take baths at night and in the morning, I am sooooooooo allergic to funky little girls LOL. So about 6:15 is breakfast time usually my youngest daughter is the one that gives the most problems lol she always wants cereal but then she gets it and doesn’t want to eat it. My oldest daughter likes to take her time getting dressed she is very slowwwwwwwwwww it takes her the longest to get dressed, put her shoes on, you name it and add 10 minutes to the time and that is her. Once we actually get done with all of that most of the time I allow my 8 year old to make lunches if the babysitter hasn’t done it the night before.

About 7 we are making sure everything is ready to be loaded in the car because we have to be out the house by 7:15am or earlier that way they can make it to school on time and I can make it to work on time. Some days we have Starbucks day that makes my youngest daughter very happy on most days only if we get out the house on time.

I have to be at work by 8:30 and I am at work until 5, they are in school all day until after 5. Once I get off work on a typical Monday I pick them up we head home. I am home for about 20 minutes before I myself have to get ready for school. In those 20 minutes I have I check homework and sign folders and make sure they eat dinner, I  give the baby sitter instructions and then I head out for school. I am at school from 6:50-10 M/W/Th every week so by the time I get home my oldest is sound asleep my youngest will not sleep if I am not home so she stays up and waits for me.

When I walk in the house she is usually on the steps or in my bed in my room LOL. As soon as I walk in EVERY WEEK she asked me the same three questions:
1. How was school mommy?
2. Mommy when can I see Dj?
3. Mommy did you know I had to wait for you before I went to sleep?
I always smile and answer her questions and then give her a big hug. As soon as I get ready for bed she is sound asleep.

When she falls asleep I take that time to pray and balance out our bills and our schedule for the rest of the week. All the while making sure I put in our calendar time to spend with together.
As we gear up for mother’s day and we head down to San Diego to Celebrate I find it so refreshing to just unplug from the world and really spend time with them. It helps me to release my mind from all the things that I have going on and just to enjoy them while they are still young and they allow me to do that.
Being a single mother is a tough job and I have found that now that I am single and have gotten our groove down the sky is the limit for what we can create together as our little family of 3.

Forgiveness

When you decide to forgive what goes into your decision?

When you decide to let go what is your process?

I sought out some help in this area from someone who was never really present in my life but his actions has seemed to follow me into my adult life.

I called my father. My father the first man that ever broke my heart. The man who broke my mother’s heart, and the only man I know that has played women in the gentlest way possible. It is weird my dad was simply a rolling stone with all the women he kept around him and all the random children that popped up as a result of it.

He is a man and he understands these things better than anyone. He understands the issues that I was dealing with, So in talking to my dad I tried to understand the actions of this particular person.

My dad actually was more help than I expected him to be.

He told me that a real true love is rare without issues and adversity. He said real love can’t be faked, can’t be doctored, the problems that you get over can’t be made up. He said do you think people that have been married 30-40 years never had problems never gave up. He told me a story about my aunt and uncle in the early stages of their marriage and it really opened my eyes.

He said when you really think about it REAL LOVE hurts. He said a woman does not give birth to a child without some form of pain but ultimately that pain brings a woman the greatest love they could ever imagine.

We talked about my children and the labor and child birth I went through. We talked about how my oldest daughter came into this world and how through that pain came the greatest gift God could ever give me.

He explained that a love for a man is not always going to be easy, there will be times when you want to give up or you guys want to strangle each other but if you decide to forgive and stick with a person that means you are defying the odds of what is currently reality of 2017, where women and men don’t fight for real love they give up and run. They think it is to hard.

So as our conversation was coming to a close my dad said ” I would like to apologize to you because of my actions of the past I was not there to really show you what real love is, I apologize that you did not have a male role model in your life to show you how to really love, I apologize that I was selfish and I abandoned you not just on a physical level of me not being present, but emotionally, and mentally little girls need their father and I was not there for you.”

My dad finally owned up to his hurt and pain. So as we hung up and promised to speak at a later date I couldn’t help but tear up thinking about how long I have waited for that. My dad sent me a text and said please find it in your heart to forgive, NEVER forget but forgive and move on if that love between you two is real then he will man up and fight for you.

My dad couldn’t have helped me more.

 

 

 

 

 

God Dropped a Bomb On Me

I went into something with fresh eyes and a fresh heart. I allowed the past to be the past and I expected you to do. I assumed things would be different.

last night as I sat in class I received a text from a random number with a link to something. I clicked on the link without even thinking and it led me to a baby registry which then when I registered both names on the registry began to shake my world.

I texted the number back and asked who was it they didn’t want to tell me they simply text back and said call me please it is an emergency.

So I walked out of class to call not expecting my world as I once new it to come crashing down. I called this person a woman answered and proceeded to ask me questions to no avail I didn’t really answer. SO I started asking her questions 1. who are you? 2. How did you get this number? 3. What business do her and I have together 4. Why did you send me that link?

She proceeds to ask me if I know a certain person and I tell her yes I do why and she asks me if I knew this person recently became a father. At this point I am in disbelief and I simply say no way. I proceed to text the person in question and ask this person to call me immediately so I can merge the calls and figure out what is going on. Before that could happen I get another link sent this time of photos of the 3 individuals in question and this is when I realize this is not a dream this is a reality.

This person had started a whole new life no warning no nothing and didn’t miss a beat. Deep down a woman always can sense when something is not right.

So finally the person calls and through all the tears and hurt I simply ask two questions do you know this person? Did you have a child?  The response “what” I am in bad laying down with a headache I am not dealing with this right now” “Who told you that” the conversation ends I go back to class simply pack up my things and head to my car.

The person calls again this time a little more alert but still avoiding all answers to the questions, I hear a faint cry in the background and I am left with ”  I will fix it I will call you back I will call you back bye”

Several text sent and all I get back is a “we will talk tomorrow” throughout the night I am getting photos,  two baby registry links, facebook photos, this person spared no expense to let me know.

All I can do all night is toss and turn no sleep. Crying all night wondering how someone you have sooooo much history with so much love, so much hate, so much struggle and this is what I am left with, not even from the horses mouth itself.

I dont know who this person is that decided to let me know all I know is that my world got turned upside down.

After a certain point in your life with age you would think maturity and truth grows with people but I guess that is just an old wives tale.

The moral of the story is sometimes when you sit back and listen you hear so much louder. I did not go searching it came to me. God tends to do that. A women’s intuition is NEVER wrong. Don’t go searching God always reveals the truth.

 

Afraid

People fear what they don’t know about you

What they cant look up online

What they can’t go and ask your friend or enemy about you

They fear what they can’t control about who you are

They fear not knowing

People love your social media because they think they know you

They fear your real life

Your real success

Loving social media is great but having things in private is even better

People fear the emotions they cant control about you

People fear

Before You

Before you tell me about my life and the way it is supposed to be

Before you tell me about my past and who I used to be

Before you tell me about my future and the way it will be

Take a walk in my shoes

live my life and then maybe just maybe will  I listen to your rhetoric

You cant tell me about myself unless you have walked in my shoes lived my life and gone through my struggle.

My struggle is my debt my reality.

I watch and listen as people tell me about myself as if they know me or they were there when the event happen

I listen to people tell me what type of parent I should be or the type of parent I am based upon what they heard.

I just kindly let them know before you assume my life live my life.