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Awkward

The interesting thing about history it has its way of repeating itself. As we grow up we realize that the people we once knew that we were really close with you tend to grow apart.

Today was an awkward day, today the woman who betrayed me and allowed three men to take away my RIGHT to consent I saw today. This woman is the woman that set me up to be taken advantage of, this woman full of hate and anger allowed me her friend or at least I thought I was her friend to be set-up and took away my choice.

As I walked in this store today I saw this figure in the check-out and as she turned to look toward the back of the store our eyes locked. She stared at me with shock, hurt, anger, pain, worry it seemed as if every emotion went across her face. Not only did she look at me she tried to get a sense of what I would do to her.
She couldn’t take her eyes off of me. I think apart of her felt like I was going to come over the counter and whup her assh another part of her wanted to assess my energy.
This woman that I have carried allllll this hate and anger for today I saw her through a different lens.
I walked up to her and I said I forgive you and I wish you all the best. She looked at me like she wanted to die and I walked out of the store.

As much as I would love to hate this woman for what she did to me my heart will no longer allow me to hate her.

My heart has no more room for hate.

I have struggled to become a better person for my children and seeing this woman after all this time really confirmed to me that all this work and I have done me and God that is has really worked.

A woman and 3 men that changed my life and not really for the best taught me about real life and the real dangers out there.

The moral of this story for today is no matter what life has taken you through you still have room to grow and work on yourself.
No matter what people have done too you God always gets the last laugh.

I am better than who I was yesterday and and certainly who I was then. I am not perfect but I know that what happened to me I didnt deserve. No one deserves to have their choices taken from them.
Life is certainly on the right track now

Thank you

I can honestly say that I don’t thank God enough that I don’t give him enough credit for the things that he really really brings me through.

I know it sounds cliche and some don’t even believe in God but that is your prerogative I don’t judge you.

For myself though I have got to give God the highest praise to be even typing this right now.
Almost losing my life and like literally almost losing my life really has me giving God and my doctors the ultimate thanks.

I went through this situation by myself no one there holding my hand no one there telling me they love me and don’t get me wrong I have people that do love me but in this particular instance I had nobody.
I was by myself. The person who was supposed to be there with me or at least I wanted them to be there with me stood me up and things took a turn for the worst and I almost lost my life.
I am not sure things would have been different whether that person would have been there or not I would like to feel that it would have been but I wouldn’t have been alone.

The moral of this story is I used to take things for grant-it and at certain times I probably will but today being here being alive being able to see my children grow up is a blessing. No matter who is in my corner, who is in my life I thank God that I have my life and I have my beautiful children.

I may not be perfect by far but I know I try to do my best to do right by people. Or at least treat people the way I want to be treated.

I am sooooo grateful for my life.

Re-Evaluate

The Key to life is owning your own shit and cleaning it up.

If you shatter a plate even if you tape it back together it will never be the same.

I have learned over the past few weeks that you have to take responsibility for the hurt and pain that you cause to others.

It is not always their fault.

I place blame and blame shift a lot because at times I don’t think I have any fault.

While I have been self-evaluating I noticed a lot of the things I have done during my hurt and pain and try to pose it like it is a justified cause, but the truth is even being hurt hurting others is never a justified situation.

The best thing I have learned is its OK to apologize, let go, and own up to your shit, no one is perfect but as long as you own your shit and let go of the past great things will begin to transpire in your life.

It is not possible to move forward if the past continues to control your present.

No Love Lost

There is no love lost for what you did too me
There is no love lost for how you treated me

There is no love for you at all
You made me numb to bullshit
You made me numb to lies
You made this way

The man I said i love hahaha what is love?
A bunch of empty promises
a bunch of hopeless moments and then you return to your reality and I am left with mine.
A bunch of bullshit
A bunch of empty moments
Doesnt seem much like love.

I have no love lost for you if thats what you call it.
I am humbled by our time it has helped me to REALLY be me.
Because of that “love” I now know what I dont want to ever deal with again
There is no more love here for you
That love is lost been lost and will remain lost.
But hey you have your children I bet they love you.

Anyway…

You said you appreciate me anyway…
I have done all I can to be right for you anyway…

You lied to me anyway…
You still try to lie to me anyway…
You say you love me to death anyway…

I ask you questions.. You get upset anyway…
No matter what I do its not good enough anyway…
You hurt anyway…
I hurt everyday…

You had control anyway…
At least you thought you did anyway….
I will move on anyway…

Hurt people hurt people anyway…
I saw you anyway…
Do you see me anyway…

There is no more love here anyway…
Enjoy your life anyway…
This door has closed, No more tears to cry…
You snooze you lose anyway…

Dating Again

So being in a relationship for so long to becoming single when is the right time to start over and get back out there.

My oldest daughter and I had a very deep detailed conversation, and she told me that she thinks I should start dating.
The conversation was so deep that I had to think to myself how old is she lol. My baby is 8 years old and she expressed that she felt like it was time for me to get back out there and date.

She said she didn’t like me sitting in the house all the time. She expressed she missed her mommy that would go out with her friends and go and have fun from time to time.

This conversation made me feel great that she recognizes that her mom is a great woman and that I deserve someone who is going to love and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Her conversation brought me so much peace and allowed me to start really thinking about getting back out there and dating.
I have been sitting back for awhile since being in a very long-term relationship and not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings when I decide it is time to move forward, but now what is holding me back? In my eyes nothing. I am single and I can not be afraid to start opening my heart back up to someone who will SHOW me appreciation not just tell me.

This will be an interesting journey to get back out there but now that I have my daughters approval I am ready to start over

Push Past

Been awhile since I have had a moment to sit down and write. Got a lot on my mind decided today was the day I had to get it done.

Lately I have had this feelings that I can do so much better than what i am doing. I have decided to move forward in certain situations and they have not brought me the happiness I was expecting. So I let them go and actually felt satisfied once I made that decision.

I have learned over the past couple of months as i deal with my personal struggles that the hardest things that I have not wanted to do, once I did them have brought me the most satisfaction and happiness.

Doing the things that you put in the back of your mind are usually the things that need to be done the most.

Now that I am single and not committed to anyone or their feelings it feels really weird a good weird. I have decided that my life deserves sooooo much better than a bunch of lies, disguises, and wolf in sheep clothing. The decision to move forward and put myself first has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Nosey Co-Workers

Are your co-workers nosey??
I have a co-worker who is NOSEYYYYYY ASSSSSSS HECKKKKKKKKK

We work for two different people but she seems to ALWAYSSS want to be in my boss’s business.
Asking where he is at a certain time, wanting to know his every move at all times.

Today I walk in from lunch and I sit at my desk to enjoy my lunch and the phone rings and I look at the clock and ignore the phone. I am still on my lunch for 30 more minutes

Here comes this Nosey Heffa, staring at me and says “usually if you are sitting at your desk you can answer the phone” I said “I am on my lunch I will answer the phone after my lunch is over” She say, “well some clients will get upset that the calls are going unanswered” I said “Well that is why there is a voicemail to be utilized by the clients when I am on my lunch” She stares at me a little longer and walks away.

As my lunch comes to an end she then looks at me and says, “I noticed you have been a little distant in your work lately is everything ok. The lady next door her work has been slipping lately to, You young people need to separate your personal lives from your work lives.” I looked at her and smiled and I said “You sure are nosey as hell, I am doing quite well thank you for asking but stay out of everybody business in the office, do your job and stop worrying about our work that has nothing to do with you” She looked at me in shock by my reaction and said “Your right what-the-fuck-ever”

Now before I could even respond to her little comment the phone rang. I had to realize I am back to work

My Day in a nutshell

People underestimate how much single moms actually have to do.

Every morning my children are up at 5am they have to take their baths to get ready for school. In my house they usually have to take baths at night and in the morning, I am sooooooooo allergic to funky little girls LOL. So about 6:15 is breakfast time usually my youngest daughter is the one that gives the most problems lol she always wants cereal but then she gets it and doesn’t want to eat it. My oldest daughter likes to take her time getting dressed she is very slowwwwwwwwwww it takes her the longest to get dressed, put her shoes on, you name it and add 10 minutes to the time and that is her. Once we actually get done with all of that most of the time I allow my 8 year old to make lunches if the babysitter hasn’t done it the night before.

About 7 we are making sure everything is ready to be loaded in the car because we have to be out the house by 7:15am or earlier that way they can make it to school on time and I can make it to work on time. Some days we have Starbucks day that makes my youngest daughter very happy on most days only if we get out the house on time.

I have to be at work by 8:30 and I am at work until 5, they are in school all day until after 5. Once I get off work on a typical Monday I pick them up we head home. I am home for about 20 minutes before I myself have to get ready for school. In those 20 minutes I have I check homework and sign folders and make sure they eat dinner, I  give the baby sitter instructions and then I head out for school. I am at school from 6:50-10 M/W/Th every week so by the time I get home my oldest is sound asleep my youngest will not sleep if I am not home so she stays up and waits for me.

When I walk in the house she is usually on the steps or in my bed in my room LOL. As soon as I walk in EVERY WEEK she asked me the same three questions:
1. How was school mommy?
2. Mommy when can I see Dj?
3. Mommy did you know I had to wait for you before I went to sleep?
I always smile and answer her questions and then give her a big hug. As soon as I get ready for bed she is sound asleep.

When she falls asleep I take that time to pray and balance out our bills and our schedule for the rest of the week. All the while making sure I put in our calendar time to spend with together.
As we gear up for mother’s day and we head down to San Diego to Celebrate I find it so refreshing to just unplug from the world and really spend time with them. It helps me to release my mind from all the things that I have going on and just to enjoy them while they are still young and they allow me to do that.
Being a single mother is a tough job and I have found that now that I am single and have gotten our groove down the sky is the limit for what we can create together as our little family of 3.

Forgiveness

When you decide to forgive what goes into your decision?

When you decide to let go what is your process?

I sought out some help in this area from someone who was never really present in my life but his actions has seemed to follow me into my adult life.

I called my father. My father the first man that ever broke my heart. The man who broke my mother’s heart, and the only man I know that has played women in the gentlest way possible. It is weird my dad was simply a rolling stone with all the women he kept around him and all the random children that popped up as a result of it.

He is a man and he understands these things better than anyone. He understands the issues that I was dealing with, So in talking to my dad I tried to understand the actions of this particular person.

My dad actually was more help than I expected him to be.

He told me that a real true love is rare without issues and adversity. He said real love can’t be faked, can’t be doctored, the problems that you get over can’t be made up. He said do you think people that have been married 30-40 years never had problems never gave up. He told me a story about my aunt and uncle in the early stages of their marriage and it really opened my eyes.

He said when you really think about it REAL LOVE hurts. He said a woman does not give birth to a child without some form of pain but ultimately that pain brings a woman the greatest love they could ever imagine.

We talked about my children and the labor and child birth I went through. We talked about how my oldest daughter came into this world and how through that pain came the greatest gift God could ever give me.

He explained that a love for a man is not always going to be easy, there will be times when you want to give up or you guys want to strangle each other but if you decide to forgive and stick with a person that means you are defying the odds of what is currently reality of 2017, where women and men don’t fight for real love they give up and run. They think it is to hard.

So as our conversation was coming to a close my dad said ” I would like to apologize to you because of my actions of the past I was not there to really show you what real love is, I apologize that you did not have a male role model in your life to show you how to really love, I apologize that I was selfish and I abandoned you not just on a physical level of me not being present, but emotionally, and mentally little girls need their father and I was not there for you.”

My dad finally owned up to his hurt and pain. So as we hung up and promised to speak at a later date I couldn’t help but tear up thinking about how long I have waited for that. My dad sent me a text and said please find it in your heart to forgive, NEVER forget but forgive and move on if that love between you two is real then he will man up and fight for you.

My dad couldn’t have helped me more.